I don’t know what to do. There is never a place to stop and think, there is never a place to breathe. I feel it caught in my throat, like words trying to come out, like water when it goes down the wrong pipe, like the feeling in the pit of your stomach when something isn’t right. Everything is my fault, but nothing ever is, and there are times when I just look around and realize that there isn’t anything to be worried about at all. There is clear air and cold wind and smooth skin and green and blue and sparkling glass. There is a whole world of options even when our eyes can only see what is in front of us. People forget that. I forget that. I forget it when I run over what could have been in my head, when I say no or yes or next time or yeah, right. You forget it when you look at the person standing next to you and imagine only them, and when you imagine someone else, their face so clear in your mind. You forget it when you eat breakfast in the morning and when you don’t, when you sit in your bed and read all day and when you stare dizzily at the locked door of your house coming home drunk late at night. What is there to do but keep forgetting? What is there to do but hide, but pray, but maybe, maybe there will someday be something to remind you of how infinite the choices we make turn out to be.
